The Accident
Nicole had been staring at the bright, sunlit ceiling for hours now. Baked in the warmth of summer, her bedroom, with all the metal band and cult movie posters on the walls and a bass in black lying on the floor covered by clothes in black, seemed more welcoming now. Yet she couldn’t feel the warmth, or anything adjacent to it. In fact, she couldn’t feel anything. She just wanted to die.
And today the urge seemed to be at her throat, so close that it could slit her right now. Maybe it was the stickiness of melting vanilla ice-creams and the hot still air that smelled too sweet; maybe it was the screaming kids by the pool who were splashing water everywhere; maybe it was all the light pinks and baby blues, the bouncing balloons in parties, the blossoming summer romance, the cheesy pop songs booming in passing cars. Maybe it was all of them, or maybe it was just her.
But she couldn’t do it now; she, her Mom, and her younger sister Ella were going to the amusement park, and she hated to ruin their day. So she tried to push herself up using all the strength she could muster, and to her surprise and reluctance, she succeeded.
Tonight then, she told herself, no matter what happened, tonight’s the night; a little accident is all I need.
She wiped her eyes, but there was no tear.
Sam had been working at the amusement park for a year now. His job was to make exciting speeches before the roller coaster ride and press buttons on the control panel. “The world’s fastest roller coaster,” it was described; he knew it wasn’t true, but he didn’t care.
While he lazily waited for the ride to end, he leaned on the wall next to him and tapped the wall with the drum beat of Someday, But Not Today, written by his band in high school. It was a shitty song; no one in the band knew what they were doing. They were just a bunch of teenagers with a lot of angst.
As the roller coaster sped up along a circular track, the riders screamed in unison. He didn’t care. In his peripheral vision, he sensed the petite girl who just started working today walking towards him; he didn’t care either.
“Sam, I heard one of wheels keep screeching, you sure it’s normal?”
“It’s been acting like this since I worked here.”
“Okay… I know this is just a local amusement park, but you guys check on the wheels every single day, right?”
“I guess,” he shrugged, just as the ride came to an end. A group of new riders streamed in.
“The world’s fastest roller coaster, how about that, huh?” A woman said.
“This is bullshit; even Ella can tell,” said a familiar voice.
Hearing the voice, Sam pushed himself against the wall and stood upright, widening his eyes as if awakened from a daydream. He turned to the source of the voice, and there was Nicole, the bassist in his high school band, wearing almost no makeup but a dark blue lipstick, with silver, shoulder-length hair and a face that always looked faintly angry because of the slanted, soft-angled eyebrows. He smiled, feeling his numb facial muscles finally stretch and contract.
“Welcome to the world’s fastest roller coaster,” he spoke to the microphone in his typical monotone, “may death come to you someday, but not today. Enjoy the ride.”
“What the fuck is wrong with that dude?” “He totally killed the vibe.”
While many riders were cursing at him, Nicole looked up in disbelief. As their eyes met, his breath quickened and his heart started pounding fast in his chest. But when she waved at him, when he saw her black long-sleeve shirt, his heart stopped. Goosebumps spread over his back like a burning rash.
“Yo, psychopath, start the ride already!” Someone shouted.
He pressed the start button; their eyes never took off from each other until the roller coaster sped away. He watched her bright silver hair flutter in the wind, almost angelic, and thought about the high school days when they only talked to each other during band practice but not in school, when they hinted at things so subtly but expected the other to understand—they usually never did, but when they did understand each other, it felt transcendent.
And then he thought about that day, that particular afternoon when he had this particular eerie sensation spreading across his back so he rushed to her house. He remembered Nicole’s mother screaming while covering Ella’s eyes when he broke down the locked bathroom door. He remembered the pungent smell of iron, the razor blade reflecting cold blue light in the sink, the blood smudges on the floor. And he remembered Nicole, curling in an enlarging pool of blood in the bathtub, still conscious, crying weakly and saying she hated him, over and over again.
With the image of Nicole in her long-sleeve shirt and goosebumps on his back, he shivered; something was awry again.
It was an overwhelming day at the amusement park for Nicole, surrounded by life and high-pitched laughter and happy, sweaty kids with cotton candies on the corner of their mouths. It was a day when she felt like crashing to the ground with every strenuous step she took, and a day when she kept getting attracted by the sharp edges of throwing knives in a performance, the cars that drove past too quickly and left swirls of dust behind, and the screeching wheel of the roller coaster. It was another day when she didn’t die.
But it was also the day when she saw Sam for the first time after graduation. He was leaner, without the edgy hairstyle that covered half of his face and the rebellious look in his eyes that used to burn so self-destructively.
Mindlessly, she moved her left sleeve up a few inches, revealing a new vertical scar that formed a cross with the old, horizontal one. She traced the cross with her index finger, feeling each little lump that indicated the location of the stitch. She thought about that afternoon when Sam saved her, about the next day when he visited her in the hospital and they cried together in a tight embrace for a long, long time. She couldn’t remember the last time she cried or felt anything, and no matter how hard she tried to on a day like today, she couldn’t; only emptiness saluted her.
So, on this happy summer day, she thought, tonight’s the night, and formed a plan to set up an accident. She gave Sam a call and asked for a favor.
The night was cool when they secretly met below the roller coaster after open hours. Before Sam arrived, Nicole had already sabotaged the wheel and the break, and settled herself in the seat. She looked peaceful, just quietly waiting for the ride to begin.
On the other hand, Sam was nervous, his palms sweating and his mind racing in all directions. He knew Nicole wasn’t just asking for a ride alone, but he convinced himself that she wouldn’t leave him now; after all, they had just reunited. But just in case, he checked her seatbelt three times.
While she let him check, Nicole said, “Sam, I never hated you. I’m grateful to you for that day.”
“I know, I know,” Sam answered, pulling one last time on the seatbelt, “and I remember we wrote Someday, But Not Today afterwards.”
“It was a fucking shitty song,” she said jokingly.
He laughed, somehow feeling reassured by her remark. “So I’ll see you after the ride?”
“Of course,” she lied, feeling the scars wrapping on her left wrist like a shackle.
Sam’s body betrayed him without logic. While he shivered and shivered and goosebumps spread from his back to his limbs and finally crawled to his scalp, he burst out, “not today, Nicole, please, not today, not again.” He inhaled and exhaled heavily as if the air would carry some of his heartache away, but he just kept doing it. He realized that he was trying not to cry.
As for Nicole, tears welled up so fast that she began to cry just like that, her whole body trembling with life. But sanity—or insanity, she couldn’t tell—got the best of her, reminding her that all these feelings were temporary, and she would fall into a complete darkness again and no one could ever save her.
So she promised Sam she would be back, and Sam chose to believe her, because he had to, and because deep down, buried beneath all the denial and pain, he wanted her to be free, even if meant the end for her. When he pressed the button, their eyes never took off from each other.
When the roller coaster sped away, Sam fell onto his knees, puking, even before the sound of screeching wheels and crashing metals exploded in the distance.